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Bush Plan to Regulate Motorcyclists

Bush to become a motorcyclist to better understand bikers

April 1, 2001

By Cynthia Wilkenburg

WASHINGTON (Rueters) -- In a startling revelation, George W. Bush announced today before a packed gallery of reporters that he was considering bold initiatives to regulate the four million motorcyclists in the US.

Bush stood flanked by Vice-President Dick Cheney, American Motorcyclist Association (AMA) President, Robert Rasor and Willie G. Davidson, VP of Styling for Harley-Davidson Motor Company. Bush said, "We expect to put in place a plan of action that will benefit all Americans, not just motorcyclists."

The centerpiece of legislation proposed by Bush would be a monitoring system that would include a special electronic badge to be affixed to all motorcycles, similar to the E-Z pass card in use in the Metropolitan NY and Washington, DC areas.

With this new system to be called E-Z Rider, a special Pentagon computer would be linked to the current system of 25 earth orbiting satellites that would continuously scan the earth's surface in search of E-Z Rider badges.

Davidson's Plan

Cheney then said, "We need a first application for this system. Harley-Davidson has come forward with a proposal that I feel has merit. The data from E-Z Rider would be transmitted to the main computer center at the Harley-Davidson corporate center in Milwaukee, WI."

When questioned by reporters, Willie G. Davidson said, "With the use of E-Z Rider, we will have a way to monitor the whereabouts of all motorcycle riders anywhere in the US. Furthermore, we have entered into an agreement with the government to place a 2-digit code on the E-Z Rider badge to identify Harley-Davidson riders. This is especially important to us since we have our 100th anniversary coming up in 2003. If President Bush and Vice-President Cheney can get this legislation passed during this session of Congress, we will have a good window of opportunity to get this system operational by the first quarter of 2003 just prior to our 100th anniversary celebration."

Davidson further stated, "We have received estimates from our H.O.G. chapters across the world that upwards of one million riders of our machines will be descending on the Motor Company in Milwaukee. As you know, our building dates back to 1910 and has severe structural rigidity problems. We have been advised that the decibel (DB) levels coincident with one million Harley engines all running at a speed of at least 34 miles per hour may have deleterious effects on our factory. Our engineers tell us that the building may fall. We are also concerned for the various bridges in our city. The anticipated noise load may stress these bridges beyond their design limits. That's why we need to be able to detect the approaching HOG traffic and disperse it to the secondary streets so as to equalize the load to be within design limits. The future of our company is at stake here. This E-Z Rider legislation must be passed."

Bush Climbs on the Bandwagon

Bush then said, "We are happy that Willie G. is here today to offer his company's support for this plan. We look forward to H-D partnering with the federal government and being our first application of this important system. Furthermore, I'm taking this opportunity to announce that Laura and I are both going to be riding in this 100th anniversary celebration . Laura just presented me with a new Springer Softail. I plan to learn to ride it on the new baseball diamond fields just now being set up on the South Lawn."

Congress Promises Quick Action

In his role as Vice-President, Dick Cheney then addressed the reporters and whispered softly in the microphone, "You can all go home now. April Fools."

~Walter Kern

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